The elbow in your side pulls you back to the here and now. ““If you’re not going to watch this, then let me turn on “Savannah’,’’ your wife says. Alarmed, you fumble for the remote. ““But I want to watch this. It’s a pivotal game,’’ you protest while you wriggle back into an alert, upright position and try to reconstruct what just happened in your ball game. And you are embarrassed: you wonder why she never drops off during her shows.
The answer is that she is highly skilled. She can watch TV for hours without falling asleep. While there are a few naturals who make it look deceptively simple, becoming a really good couch potato is like excelling at any other activity. It requires the adherence to certain basic principles, the use of proper equipment and the proper mental approach.
Here are the simple rules that, if followed faithfully, are guaranteed to bring out the potato within.
Take frequent breaks. But beware: The old rule of toddling off during commercials to go to the bathroom or get some chips no longer holds. Today’s commercials are more entertaining than today’s shows. To keep from dozing, it is best to take a break during the middle of a scene, a point in a show when grogginess is most likely to set in.
Do not depend on alcohol to induce TV stupor. While many potato wanna-bes think that a few beers or a little wine would be helpful in inducing the classic couch-potato stupor, it is not necessary. A true couch potato does not need to depend on a crutch like this to achieve the desired mental state.
Instead he relies on the tube to fog his mind, allowing the vacuousness of the programming to, Zen-like, blank out his thoughts. There are handy indications for telling when a potato has reached this blissful, uncritical state: when his laughter coincides with the titters and guffaws emitted by the canned laugh track of a sitcom, you know his mind is properly emptied.
Learn to recognize when a good potato is in his special zone and strive to emulate his behavior. A couch potato at the top of his game is referred to not as being ““on a roll’’ but as being ““in the middle.’’ This is a sacred level of potato euphoria. One way to tell if a potato is in this altered state is to ask him to take out the garbage. If he answers ““I can’t; I’m in the middle of this game’’ or ““I’m in the middle of this show,’’ then you know he is in this distinctive zone and should not be disturbed.
Work up to big-league furniture. A veteran potato can handle the softest of sofas or the plumpest of easy chairs with aplomb, slumping this way and that, snuggling deeply into the furniture while not only remaining awake but maintaining the energy to dip one hand into the popcorn bowl and control the remote with the other.
The beginner must work up to this level. A metal folding chair (obtainable from most church basements) will provide just the right discomfort level to ensure staying awake even after watching a whole afternoon of golf.
Pay attention to your training fuels. Outdoor athletes consume designer energy bars and Yuppie sports drinks. But the couch potato runs on a different engine and needs to stockpile blue-collar, empty carbohydrates and fat. For a veteran, a double fudge sundae and big bowl of potato chips washed down with a couple of beers is about the right intake.
Followed religiously for several months, this diet will ensure the proper ballast needed for deep, secure settling into even the firmest couch.
Build your stamina slowly. Rome wasn’t built in a day. A marathon isn’t run in a minute. And a rookie potato can’t expect to sit through an evening of insipid sitcoms without plenty of training.
It’s important to keep track of your training hours. I suggest a daily log. Write down the names of the programs, how many hours you were able to watch before falling asleep and what you munched on that evening. Strive to sit as long as possible without falling asleep. A good coach–perhaps a significant other to poke you in the ribs–is invaluable at this stage.
Practice, practice, practice. With the TV turned off, sink into your recliner or TV couch and relax completely until you are in a good slump. Fix your eyes on the middle of the tube and stare straight ahead without moving, letting your mouth drop open if it feels comfortable.
Clear your mind of any thoughts whatsoever and sit motionless for at least two hours. This workout not only builds up stamina but conditions you mentally to totally accept whatever is on the screen, no matter how dull. Perform this exercise whenever you have two or three spare hours, and you will find that before you know it, it will become second nature to turn off your brain and sit passively and stare at nothing for hours on end.
Remove distractions while the TV is on. Tuck pencils, magazines or books safely out of reach. They might distract you into reading or doing a crossword puzzle while you are supposed to be concentrating on staring at the screen.
Finally, don’t rush out to buy lots of fancy equipment. All you really need is a soft couch and a TV set. And, of course, a remote control, the sine qua non of all real couch potatoes. If you don’t have a remote to keep you from having to get up and walk to the TV every time something obnoxious, disagreeable or too inane comes on for even a potato to watch, you might just as well go outside and do something active with your life, like skiing or in-line skating. After all, if you can’t make it as a couch potato, you can always try to be a hot dog.
