But as smart as you are, you still need a “leading” analyst like me to help you make sense of the year that’s about to start. That’s why I have always dedicated my last column of the year to a preview of the big stories that are certain to dominate the news next year.
Full disclosure: My predictions are not always accurate. Sure, I correctly divined that Bill and Hillary Clinton would spend exactly zero nights in the same bed in 2003 (that was easy), but my assertion last year that Vice President Dick Cheney would resign to join an all-nude auto-body shop has, alas, proven inaccurate (so far). That said, here is a sampling of articles you may soon be reading in your local papers:
LOCAL MAN IN HOT AFFAIR WITH SECRETARY
Blames Gay Marriage For Adultery
Fall River, Mass. – A local man who was caught in an area motel room with his secretary is believed to be the first husband whose marriage crumbled as a result of a legally sanctioned gay marriage in nearby Attleboro.
“I saw those two gay guys get married on TV and I could feel the very bonds of my marriage weakening,” said the man, Toby Felder, 36.
The secretary agreed that the gay marriage played a role in her decision to copulate with her boss repeatedly at the Fall River Days Inn. “I would never have had sex with a married man until I heard about that gay marriage,” said the woman, Tiffany Amberson. “Suddenly, Toby’s whole marriage seemed farcical and undermined.”
The gay couple, reached by telephone on their honeymoon in Key West, Fla., agreed that their union had weakened the Felder marriage. “To be honest, that was the whole idea, really,” said Bruce Johnson. “We knew Toby’s marriage was about to collapse, so we figured that a high-profile, extremely gay wedding would push it over the edge.”
Johnson said that the presence of two male figurines on top of the wedding cake was “probably the straw that broke the Felders’ back. " He added, “Frankly, I don’t know how any heterosexual marriages will survive the ongoing gay campaign to undermine the institution.”
SCHWARZENEGGER DEMANDS OWN LEGISLATURE
Also Seeks His Name Above State’s on Highway Signs
Sacramento, Calif. – Decrying California as a “low-budget” state with a “B-movie mentality,” Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is seeking a new contract that will pay him $20 million per legislative session, give him a percentage of every million-dollar decline in the state deficit, and force state Senate and House leaders to share a trailer.
“I’m not asking for anything more than I got on “T-3’ ,” the star-turned-governor told reporters. “Since “Conan The Barbarian,’ I have always gotten points against the gross. And everyone on my set knows that I get the biggest trailer.”
State Senate Majority Leader Richard Polanco (D-Los Angeles) gave in to Schwarzenegger’s demands in exchange for a producer credit.
