But, hey, maybe I was being unfair to him. Howard Stern IS NOT JUST ANOTHER RANTING LOWLIFE WITH A RADIO SHOW He has a computer now, too! And somebody showed him how to use it, because his new book, “Private Parts,” has more capital letters, boldface and italics than an Italian soccer magazine! In it Stem reveals for the first time in print some of his most intimate feelings, such as his passion for Jessica Hahn and his reaction to his wife’s miscarriage (“Every slob on welfare has kids, why can’t I?”). This would be more impressive if he didn’t talk about this stuff on the radio in front of 3 million people for four hours or so every weekday morning, but it’s enough to make “Private Parts” the fastest-selling book in the history of Barnes & Noble. Within a week of publication Simon & Schuster had printed more than a million copies, which means that in the time it takes Howard Stern to reach sexual climax (two minutes, he writes, including walldng to the bedroom and getting undressed) 200 PEOPLE HAVE BOUGHT HIS BOOK! That’s a claim you can’t imagine Rush Limbaugh making.

I was so impressed by this accomplishment that I couldn’t resist calling him to find out how good it felt. “I’ll bet your parents must be really proud of you, Howard,” I said. And I was right! “I had my father with me at the book signing,” Howard told me. “He’s like, boy, can you sign your name fast, that’s fantastic! Seven hundred books in an hour! Before this, if he saw me sign something, he’d say, ‘YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE BRAINS TO WRITE YOUR NAME’.”

And Stern’s father wasn’t even his biggest fan! There was a guy in line with a sign saying GOD IS GOING TO SIGN MY BOOK. Not even Stem feels he deserves that kind of adulation yet. But he assumes he will-remember, even God started as a cult figure. You can’t put a dollar figure on the kind of loyalty Stem commands from his fans, although he’s certainly been tempted. Stem knows he could go on QVC and sell more crap in an hour than Joan Rivers does in a year, but he’s not about his name that way. just bee a man will go on national radio to feign a level of sexual arousal that would embarrass a ferret while listening to lurid accounts of lesbian sexual practices doesn’t mean he has no pride.

“I think it’s pretty impressive that Madonna opened in New York last week and all anybody can talk about is Howard Stern’s book signing,” I told him, hoping to stay on his good side.

“Madonna!” he erupted. “She’s everything that’s wrong with show business! People can only buy so much of that garbage! The morons who buy her books, they must have the most empty lives!”

“And the ones who buy your books…”

“They get something of substance. I give people something to talk about. If you can be a little open and forthright, people respond to it.”

Oh, they RESPOND all right. Some people will probably buy the book just to read the terrible stuff people have said about Stern over the years. This is a man who grosses out TOM ARNOLD (“He’ll make jokes about incest, which I think is sickening”). Someone who can elicit high-minded disdain from CHEVY CHASE (“Howard Stern is an ass. He’s really a nothing”). What can account for his going straight to No. 1 on both the Publishers Weekly and New York Times best-seller lists?

“It’s not your literary background, is it, Howard?”

“No, I only read three books in my life.”

“So it’s…”

“Basically, it’s good bathroom reading.”

And that’s a claim you can’t imagine Norman Schwarzkopf making.